communicating

So… I did some thinking today. Well… today and every day really… but I think I was finally able to intelligently articulate my thoughts for the first time today (talking to Dexter really has helped). I figured out one of the things that has been bothering me so much about talking to people back home. Part of it came from expressive emails with Justin… part from a goofy email from Molly… part from a chipper email from Ryan… part from a standard email from Dad. I realized what it is I missing in my life right now that is making dealing with this transition so much more difficult… something I’m getting from my family and I’m not getting from my friends.

Normalcy.

I don’t know if it’s due to the fact that I’ve grown up with travel and distance in my family. Molly’s lived in Japan… Dad’s living in, well, wherever right now… Tim’s on deployment in Japan (or somewhere near that)… we’ve always traveled and explored and Dad was always so good at encouraging us to pursue whatever adventure lay infront of us. And I think, growing up with that mentality… and the especially the experiences myself and my family has all had as adults with our travel and distance… we know how to live normally… how to communicate normally… in a circumstance that most people don’t consider normal. Distance. It’s not about pretending like nothing is wrong… it’s about the fact that nothing truly is wrong. Physical distance sucks… yes… but it has nothing to do with emotional distance… nothing to do with communication… unless you allow it too. I can tell my family what is great, and what sucks… everything big and little. And they’ll accept it and give me the same right back… from something as large as loneliness to something as menial as whether my sister should get a new hairstyle or not (I still say go for it Mol)… I can talk about how I feel… and not feel bad about the rawness of it… not feel bad about the fact I didn’t sugar coat it to make it easier to swallow. That’s what makes the communication real…genuine… and comforting.

I know how much my friends love me… I know how much they are trying to put on a happy face to make me feel better. In their own way they are doing exactly what they think will make me feel better and happier and ultimately transition easier. I guess if I was brought up differently it would work… I’m a believer in “fake it ‘till you make it” in most aspects of life… but not here. Not with relationships and communications and trust and love. Raw and real is the only way… for me, I guess. I like to think I know the people I love the most well enough to tell when they’re hurting and upset… and when they’re happy and excited. And when I feel like whatever they’re giving me isn’t a part of that, it eats me a little inside.

At first, I took it the WAY wrong way. Everytime I talked to my friends everything seemed perfect and happy… smiles and laughs all around. I knew most of this was to make me feel good and to distract me from my own unhappiness. But after a while I started to doubt myself. I thought “Maybe this is really how they feel.. maybe they are always happy and laughing and chipper”… then I did the WAY wrong thing and took it personally… “They seem so much happier now that I’m gone. Happy all the time. Maybe it’s a good thing I left… like it’s what they’ve been waiting for.” Dumb… I know… but that’s the truth of it. If all you see is sunshine and rainbows you forget that there are clouds and rain first. Even if you know they’re there… when you don’t see them, it’s easy to forget. I never saw my friends missing me… I heard it in a detached sort-of “since you mentioned it” way… but never saw the hurt on their faces. I know this is because they were trying to spare me… in truth, they were all being soldiers (much stronger and better actors than I could ever conceivably be). It amazes me even now that they were able to put on a happy face in spite of the sadness and pain. They didn’t want to be sad because they didn’t want to see ME sad… but it kindof worked the opposite way… and I started to believe the act rather than understand it for what it was.

Anyhow… I see it now… at least I think so. Even as I say that there are still small doubts wriggling in my mind. The devlish whispers that say “No, they don’t miss you. They aren’t hurting. It doesn’t matter to them as much as it matters to you.” But I have to ignore those voices. I have to recognize how selfish they are… and I have to believe that I know the people I love as well as I think I do. And while I now see and appreciate their efforts all that much more (I’ll never understand how you guys could do it), I have to figure out a way to explain that normal, honest communication is more productive. Even if it’s hard to say “I miss you” at least it’s true… and at least it’s a problem you can face together. “Yeah, I miss you too. Distance sucks. So what did you have for dinner?”

I don’t think major transitions will ever be ‘easy’. BUT, I think that’s the point. I think the reason that something like this is so exciting, is BECAUSE it’s hard… BECAUSE it’s a challenge…. BECAUSE it’s something that most people will never have the guts to do themselves. It all goes back to that classic saying… “If it’s worth having, it’s worth working for” This is a difficult change… but an adventure that will be all the more rewarding BECAUSE of the challenge. (or at least that’s what I’m telling myself right now) If it was easy, everyone would do it, right? And my friendships… my relationships with the people I love? Just like muscles, they will become stronger by being tested.

I’m doing this for me… but there are rewards for everyone if they just know where to look. By becoming a better person I can help make the people around me better… I want to be constantly challenged by the people I love. I want to be pushed… everyday… to become a better person. And I want to give that same challenge to those around me. They weren’t lying in that movie. “You make me want to be a better man,” is probably one of the best compliments I can imagine… and what a goal, right?

Well… I’m testing myself… I’ve thrown myself into the ‘fire’ (emotionally at least)… but it’s to make sure that I’m worthy. To make myself a better woman. Here we go… right?